three AM
by Proof of Repair
Summary: Phone calls this early in the morning are never a good thing, Kanda discovers. Especially when the person calling is a crackpot hell bent on immortalizing himself before graduation. KandaLavi, high school AU.
1. three AM

This... is an AU. A high school AU, to be clear (yes it's horrendously overdone, I know). And an actual chapter fic (for once).

Mostly written because some cracky things have happened to me in my lifetime, and a lot of them start in around three AM.

**WARNINGS :** Okay, I'm writing this once. There will be gay. Lots of it. Of the LaviKanda/KandaLavi variety. Smut. Mischief. Cops. Mentions of the abuse of Youtube and the Internet. House Arrest. Hangovers. All that good stuff. Don't like? Don't read.

* * *

_three AM_

* * *

It was the phone that woke him up first.

His cellphone, really. He vaguely noticed that the ring tone was different this time – some weird, chipper beat that made him want to suffocate himself with his pillow.

Lavi. The redhead had probably fucking gone and changed it again.

Well, the quicker he answered the phone, the sooner it would be over.

A pale hand extended as the black haired boy attempted to blindly grasp the compact, ringing device on his bedside table, turning his face slightly so it wasn't hidden in the pillow and taking one look at the caller ID.

**Lavi B.**

Kanda promptly flipped the phone open, and then flipped it shut again, attempting to pursue sleep once more. It was too fucking early to put up with this shit.

Unfortunately, the caller in question didn't seem too keen on letting particularly murderous friends lie in peace. In about half a minute his cell was ringing again.

The onyx eyed boy repeated the procedure from before, instead switching his phone to "vibrate".

But when it rang _again_ one minute later, it rattled the top of his bedside table.

...

_Asshole – _

"This had better be good," he managed between grit teeth as he brought the small communication device to his ear.

"Oh, but it is," he heard the redhead's drawl loud and clear, "and trust me, I have a perfectly good reason for calling you at this unholy hour."

"You'd better... it's," he shot a glance at his digital clock, "three AM – fucking God, Lavi, what the hell is wrong with you? If it's anything short of the apocalypse I'm coming over right now and kicking your ass."

"As much as I'd love for you to show up at my house in the wee hours of the morning to screw me within an inch of my life, we'll have to save that for later."

"... God, you must've had one fucked up childhood."

"Like you don't know the half of it? Please," his voice was dry, but then it took on a different tone, "Yuu, goddammit I just took on the biggest realization of our young lives. _Help me._"

"Enlighten me," he grumbled, about two seconds away from hanging up again, but he knew Lavi would just find some other way to contact him if he turned off his cellphone, "you have twenty seconds. If you fail to catch my interest, I'm hanging up and if you try contacting me again I'll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat."

"Charming."

"Starting now."

"We're gonna die."

The statement was so blunt and to the point that Kanda actually blinked.

"... Well no shit. I'll die. You'll die. Don't become a whiny little bitch on me."

"No, Yuu, I mean it. We're gonna die and nobody's gonna think we're worth remembering jack shit about. Hell, nobody's gonna think we're worth remembering once we leave _high school._ It's... really depressing."

"And I care?"

"Okay, just hear me out. Everyone knows the Star Wars Kid, the Internet lets just about anything go viral, and it's been five years since Noleen graduated and _fucking hell_, Yuu, we've never even so much as seen her face-to-face but everyone knows she set those pigs loose on the last day of school before she left. We weren't even here to see it; we were fucking _grade sevens_ and we still heard about it. Kids will forever hear about it."

"Your point?" His interest was fading fast.

Lavi took a deep breath.

"I want to be immortal."

"... Then paint a fucking picture. Write a book. Sculpt. Just don't drag me into anything," and his patience was fading even faster.

"But _Yuu_, that's so... last century. Besides, I need your help, there's no way I can pull half the shit I've planned off without at least another pair of hands helping me out."

"What's in it for me?" he was picking at a loose thread on his pants.

"What, immortalizing yourself isn't enough?"

"I under no circumstances want footage of me portrayed as a dumb ass spread all over the world via the Internet. That sounds more like your thing."

"I'll come up with something to tempt your obviously picky tastes," Lavi sighed all too dramatically on the other line, "I just wish you would realize what an amazing opportunity we have laid out in front of us, Yuu."

"Whatever. I'm hanging up."

"I'll just nag you more during class I suppose," his long-suffering tone made Kanda wish he could somehow reach through the phone and strangle the eye patch sporting teen.

"Fuck you too."

He hung up and, thankfully, his phone didn't ring anymore.

But he'd forgotten to bitch out the redhead for the annoying new ring tone.

_tbc... ._

* * *

... And I'll be back with a new chapter for this soon, hopefully.

If you read, please do review, for it encourages me to actually crawl out from under my rock and write every once in a while.


	2. Fuck Freud

... Ten reviews.

Ten reviews for a fucking prologue.

You guys really are too awesome for words. I could cry.

(And I probably will).

I abused Sigmund Freud quite a bit in this chapter with a few of his quotes and bringing up the fact that he did cocaine. I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me, wherever he is.

By the way, I don't have a BETA; so I'm sorry for any massive errors on my part (I'm not using MS Word either, my computer is a 'ho).

The chapters will get longer, I swear. Once I don't have math shoving its way down my throat...

* * *

_Fuck Freud_

* * *

Kanda didn't see Lavi until his spare third period. The dark haired teen had just finished his Advanced Functions and Anthropology classes, so he had the next two periods to do whatever (fourth being his lunch and fifth being Chemistry, so he was pretty much landed with the redhead for three straight periods in the day seeing as Lavi had the same spare, Lunch, and last period class with him).

Granted, he wasn't all that surprised that when he head into the Library to work on finishing his Lab Report the eye patch sporting boy was already there; chewing on the cap of his pen and frowning slightly.

The teen-in-obvious-need-of-anger-management-classes scanned the rows upon rows of computers and inwardly twitched. The only free one was next to his not-friend.

He'd planned this. Definitely.

"Oh, Yuu, there you are. I was wondering when you were gonna get here," Lavi wretched his gaze away from the computer screen and dark blue eyes only rolled to the ceiling above as the older boy made his way over, taking a seat on the regulation black chair and proceeding to log into the school system. While the screen loaded, he stole a look at the other ones moniter.

He tried to hide the fact that he was mildly surprised by the fact that Lavi was on Youtube of all websites. On a school computer.

"Isn't there a firewall?"

"What, no hello?" a pout was immediately present on the younger boy's face.

"Just answer the question, dumbass."

"Then yes, there's a firewall."

"And you got past it... how?"

"I Googled '_How to Break Through a School Firewall_'."

"... You're fucking serious."

"Mmhm."

"And it _worked_?"

"I'm on it now, aren't I?" he commented dryly, "I thought you were smart enough to realize that, perhaps I put too much faith in you."

"Stuff it or you won't be able to see out of your other eye either," Kanda's glare met Lavi's green, green eye at the same time that statement left his mouth. He still found the color mildly unsettling to this day. Something about snake skin. Bites.

Lavi grinned; canines present.

"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"No thanks to _you._"

"Oi, I was having a personal crisis. I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other and all that jazz? Y'know, those little feel-good moments. What about rainbows and sparkles and _kittens_ and things?"

"Rainbows make me want to puke, sparkles remind me of herpes and I skin kittens for fun."

"Herpes? Now I know why you were so pissed off when I dumped all that glitter in your hair."

"Besides the obvious reasons?"

"Touché."

"Deviating away from the pointlessness of this conversation, what, pray tell, are you doing on Youtube?" Kanda tried to act as if he wasn't curious, because he totally wasn't. Not at all.

"Originally? I was looking up various _pranks_, if you can call them that, and going through viral videos."

"And now?"

"Well, I lost interest. Everything was just so... mundane. So I started looking up motorcycle crashes."

Kanda didn't finish his Lab Report (not like it mattered, it was due tomorrow), but he did see a rather amusing (not that he'd admit it) video of a rookie stunt artist, a ramp, a flying motorbike and a rather unfortunate cat.

Not to mention the various drag racers that went sky-high and twirled in a melee of spinning neon before exploding in a spectacular show of blazing fire that left you wondering if the poor, idiotic saps lived.

The worst part?

He enjoyed himself.

* * *

And then there was lunch. The two decided that they'd had enough of Youtube and any other variant of (a few they decided to discount in their Internet Exploration, seeing as some were wholly dedicated to porn – and how Lavi had found out about them in the first place wasn't something Kanda wanted to know) and left the library.

Lunch was an altogether drab affair, seeing as Kanda normally didn't eat during said period and instead sat at what had long since been designated as 'their' table; ear buds in place and listening to his MP3. He'd wisely decided to bring it along today, he had a feeling that his less-than-quiet friend would be doing quite a bit more talking than usual. Lavi, meanwhile, had hopped off to the servery to grab some fries and a soda.

Upon his return, Kanda grimaced when he noticed his companions' fries were just about drowning in ketchup.

"That's disgusting."

"But oh so good," Lavi brought one of the fried potato slices to his mouth, devouring it before opening a small packet of pepper and proceeding to sprinkle it over the concoction.

Kanda just about blanched when he noticed Lavi was pouring something else on them too.

"Alright, I take it back. _That's_ disgusting."

"Don't knock 'till you've tried it," Lavi dispersed of his little vinegar packet and poured a second one on top as well, at long last deeming his fries edible.

His only reply to that was a shake of a head of black hair and the grass-eyed boy smirked in response.

"My questionable dining aside, I must now attempt to convince you into joining me in my fantastical escapades."

"Good luck with that, because it's not happening."

"Yuu, be honest, in the three years you've spent in this sorry excuse for a school, have you ever done anything _worthwhile_?"

"Besides get my required credits so I can get the fuck out of here and graduate? No."

"Isn't that the least bit disappointing?"

"It's not like I expected anything else. This isn't _High School Musical_, nothings perfect."

"Don't you want to feel as if you've done something invigorating and exciting in your life?"

"No."

"Okay..." Lavi frowned, "scratch the temptation card. What if I bribed you?"

"I doubt you have anything to use as a bargaining chip."

"... True. What about curiosity?"

"... Curiosity? _That's_ the best you could come up with?" Kanda was disenchanted.

"Look at it this way – it's our last year. Our last chance to do crazy shit and actually have a high chance of getting away with it. Our last chance to... return the favor, if you will," and the redhead's smirk was slowly coming back, "what about _revenge? _think about it, Yuu... every person that ever annoyed you, every teacher that ever grated your nerves, are you really just going to let them off easy and graduate peacefully?"

Playing his weaknesses, eh? Lavi knew better than anyone that his icy-eyed friend absolutely hated getting the short end of the stick. Ever.

Kanda turned his MP3 back on.

"... I'll think about it."

* * *

"This is totally unrealistic."

Chemistry class brought about a period to work with their "groups" on whatever finalization's they required for their lab report. Therefore, Kanda was sitting with Lavi, as per usual, seeing as the redhead never really minded doing all the work.

Even if they had their textbooks and various papers out, the two were far from actually being productive. The redhead had taken it upon himself to instead spend the period brainstorming various degrees of hijinks to bestow upon their unfortunate school.

For lack of a better term, they were the stupidest damn suggestions Kanda had ever been faced with in his entire life.

"C'mon, these are _awesome_."

"No, but I am under the impression that you have some type of undiagnosed mental disorder."

"It's called genius. Maybe you find it so scary because you happen to _lack_ it."

"That's not genius, it's just fucking crazy."

"Ah, but Yuu – in the immortal words of Sigmund Freud, _dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy_."

"And aren't you forgetting another tidbit by the same coke-head? _If you can't do it, give up_."

"I can do it – I just happen to need your help is all. Quit using an age-old psychologists' philosophy against me."

"Fuck Freud and fuck you, Lavi."

"Is this an invitation to a threesome with a corpse? I think that counts as necrophilia–"

The redhead was halted by the abrupt kick he was given under the table.

"_Ow–!_ Dammit, Yuu, if you wanted to play footsie you could'a just said so," Lavi visibly winced and reached down to rub his steadily bruising shin.

"Bastard."

"Legally speaking, yes," Kanda was granted a 100-watt grin from the other, "but seriously, gimmie a break Yuu – we have to do something _outrageous_."

"Graffiti the back school wall and then coating it with lacquer? What the hell is the point of that?"

"They can't hose it off that way. Besides, the back wall faces the football field; nobody will be able to see us from the road while we're in the act."

"They'll paint it over."

"Repaint _brick?_"

"Well they'll find _some _way to cover it up, it's not like they'll let your oh-so-artistic legacy live forever."

"Point taken."

Kanda pointed to the second jotted suggestion on the sheet of paper, brow twitching at the absurdity of it all.

"Hey, if Noleen did pigs..."

"We're not letting chickens loose in the atrium, fucktard."

"Fine, fine, but look at the _third_ one."

Kanda did, and was mildly (just mildly) surprised. It was far more elaborate than the other two, and it actually seemed... well... _feasible._

Lavi took the lack of response as a good sign.

"Am I a genius or am I a goddamn _genius?_"

"Dipshit."

"And you're gayer than a rainbow, but you don't hear me complaining."

Kanda took that as an opportune moment to kick Lavi under the table again.

_tbc... ._

* * *

A/N -:

I haven't written a multi-chaptered fic in... _forever._ I mean, drabble sets and things, sure, but this is practically a blast to the past for me. Don't know if I'll be able to update for a while (Halloween IS in eighteen days, after all) but rest assured there will be more.

By the way – the fire wall thing? It's true. Worked at my school, anyways...

Is Kanda persuaded? He's not altogether convinced to go along with Lavi's crazy schemes just yet, I'm thinking he might need a bit more of a push.

The chickens? Happened at my old school, only it was in the Atrium and the Cafeteria. Unfortunately, that was the year after I left it for a different school; but the year I WAS there was when they released the mice, grasshoppers and crickets.

And Lavi is eating what I deem to be the most badass fries ever. Definitely.

Reviews determine when I next update; please do drop a line if you enjoyed this.


	3. Horses with High Pitched Voices

I'm sorry to everyone whom I told I would be updating the weekend after Halloween. Life and stuff (mostly writers block) got in the way (or at least, that's my excuse) BUT... asdfghjkl thirty three reviews total. Twenty-three for the last chapter. I love every single one of you who have commented to pieces, for serious. You own my soul. A very, very special thanks to **Novelist Pup** and **ritachi** for even READING this; your works continue to inspire me.

And I've just realised I haven't been putting up a disclaimer. I guess it's because already know (and mourn over the fact that) I don't own D. Gray-Man, because if I did Kanda would be taller than Lavi. Definitely.

I think I also have to disclaim a few other things... like Charlie the Unicorn. I don't own, folks.

This chapter is a little slow; forgive me.

... Lavi, Kanda and modern-day entertainment/media makes me giggle. Insanely.

* * *

_Horses with High Pitched Voices_

_

* * *

  
_

If one ever needed a quiet place to talk in silence, the various exits and entrances of the school were the best places to go after school hours. After going through the first door door, one was presented with about two meters by two meters of space with the heaters before you'd have to go through the second door leading outside. It was here that Kanda found himself speaking with Lavi about fifteen minutes after the last bell.

The redhead was sitting on his jacket, which was currently on the floor, his back pressed against the creaking heater. Kanda, meanwhile, was leaning against the wall opposite, a can of green tea on hand and his backpack set somewhere by his feet.

Lavi spoke as soon as he deemed himself comfortable, and Kanda prepared himself for what he knew was going to be a very long and very pointless discussion.

"I want to do something that will make others see our genius."

"If you're looking to make an impression like that half of the people in our school aren't going to understand it," Kanda stated dourly, raising a brow.

"Your point?"

"You should know by now that the masses are entertained by the most idiotic things on the face of this Earth. If you do anything too complicated they'll just brush it off as being a waste of time."

"Enlighten me, oh wise one."

"Instead of working on our Case Study like we were supposed to last week we just ended up staying up watching goddamn viral videos. Like those motherfucking horses with the high pitched voices... something about a candy island? Stupid shit."

"Charlie the Unicorn, that was the journey to Candy Mountain," Lavi was grinning like the devil.

"Whatever. He lost his fucking kidneys in the end is all I remember. Even though it was just an _acid trip_ it still ended up going viral."

"Want me to do my impersonation?"

"Lavi I swear to God if you start I'll kick your ass so fast–"

"_We're on a bridge Charlie!_"

Lavi was promptly punched in the back of the head.

"_FUCK!_"

"I told you I'd kick your ass if you started."

"Well actually, you _specifically_ said you'd _kick_ my _ass_. Nothing about punching me in the back of the head."

"Fucking idiot."

"Is that all your vocabulary consists of, profanities?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well now that you mention it no, not really. I just hope you don't mouth off during a job interview or something. _That_ would be catastrophic."

"Just shut up and get back to the point."

"Ah, right..." the redhead trailed off, gnawing on his pen cap and staring at the ceiling, his fingers of his free hand tapping on the heater to some obscure beat only he understood, "as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of have to agree with you; people _are_ amused by the simplest, stupidest of things... hey, remember that high school graduation ceremony?"

"The one where some moron ran across the stage in a six-foot inflatable penis costume?"

"... Pfft–" Lavi began snickering, doubling over slightly, "y-you said _penis_."

"Your point?" Kanda rose a brow, bringing his can of green tea to his lips.

"_You_ said _penis_. I dunno, Yuu, it coming from you... so bluntly, and with such a straightforward look on your face..." it was here that Lavi broke out laughing again. Kanda felt his eyebrow twitch as his dark eyes surveyed the redhead, unamused.

"Aren't you capable of _not _acting like an idiot for any longer than twenty seconds?"

"You love me anyways."

"Burn in hell."

"Well, pleasantries aside, I think it's about time we got down to business," Lavi sat up a bit straighter, surveying Kanda with a rather mischievous glint in his eye, "let's get cracking."

* * *

"Let me get this straight," Kanda looked over the list of items they'd be requiring to pull off their first stunt.

And it was a stunt in bad taste at that.

Then again, Lavi had been the one to concoct it, so he wasn't surprised.

"The key to the biology department, a fetal pig corpse _stolen _from the biology department, theatrical blood, scalpels... what the _fuck_, Lavi?"

"Yuu, all of this is totally, completely, utterly necessary. Don't question the process!"

He looked up from the paper to the redhead's face. The grin, in Kanda's opinion, made eye patch sporting teen extremely unconvincing.

"How do you plan to get the key?"

"You act as if I haven't been putting serious thought into this," Lavi seemed slightly offended, "isn't it obvious? All of the departments have the same master key. Mister Wenham gives me his keys to open up the Chemistry classroom every day since I show up earliest – and Mister Lee's always bugging him about something, so he's usually late. I can just sneak the master key off, hand it over to you, and we can head into the Bio department at three fifteen, nobody will be in there at that point, since there's a teachers conference on the day I picked for our little plan to be put into action."

"And won't he notice the key is missing?"

"I'll just slip it under the room door after we get our prize and he can find it in the morning and act as if it must have dropped off by accident."

"Cameras," the onyx-eyed teen stated flatly, as if it would deter Lavi, "don't you think they'd find it a little suspicious if the two of us were seen leaving the Biology Department with a fetal pig corpse?"

"Wheels is taking care of that," Lavi was grinning from ear to ear.

Kanda's expression went blank before becoming incredulous.

"You got _Richards_ in on this?"

"Why d'you insist on calling just about everyone by their last names?" the redhead scratched his cheek with his fingertip idly, "c'mon, Yuu. Taylor practically _lives_ on the Internet, and he should just own up and turn himself into a cyborg or something considering how technology obsessed he is. All I had to do was pay him fifty bucks and he said he'd scramble up the security cameras for us."

Taylor Richards was a Junior infamously known as _Wheels_ because, well, he was in a wheelchair. Kanda wasn't one to feel sympathy for people, and there was something about the kid he just didn't trust. Greedy. Money mongering. Always on his laptop if you ever even saw him at all (most of the time he skipped school just to stay home on his computer all day, according to sources), and all business all the time.

"How d'you know we can trust him?" the dark-haired Japanese was frowning a bit more prominently than usual, "and what if he gets caught? We'd all be fucked over."

"Wheels is insane at what he does, Yuu, trust me. He'd cover up his tracks, but he did give us a time limit to get in and out of there if we want to avoid as much trouble as possible."

"... Being?"

"Well, three minutes would be ideal. Seven max," Lavi's smile was uneasy now, "think we can pull it off?"

"Well we're going to have to now, thanks to you," Kanda did _not_ seem happy about this arrangement. At all.

Then again, he was rarely happy about anything.

* * *

He found himself wondering (for what might be the hundredth time) why he was going along with this.

This was one of those insane plans wherein so many things could go horribly, horribly wrong–

And didn't.

Kanda was beyond disbelief by the time he and Lavi had safely ended up behind the school dumpster (a blind spot for whatever sparse few cameras there were outside), cardboard box on hand, their hoods still up over their heads just in case anyone spotted them.

_Flawless_.

Everything had gone exactly how Lavi had said it would, and it was shit scary that it had. Not a single hitch. Lavi stole Mister Wenham's key, they waited it out until three fifteen when the staff members would all be downstairs in the auditorium for their meeting, Wheels called up Lavi on his cell the second the security cameras were down and they had seven minutes max to move.

Lavi'd brought a cardboard box with him for them to hide their prize of sorts in, and the second they'd gotten into the Bio department they spotted the large contraption in a far off corner, like a freezer. Lavi head over first, opened it, and grinned widely.

"Got'cha."

He withdrew something that was in a large Ziplock bag and placed it in the cardboard box before shutting the top of it over the bag and then closing the freezer. Kanda was keeping watch by the door, and as soon as Lavi had what they needed they both head out. Lavi handed the box to Kanda as he relocked the door and then head to Mister Wenham's room on the same floor, sliding the key he'd stolen off of the poor teacher under the room's entrance and making sure he got it as far into the room as possible. After all, it could appear as if he'd just dropped it while pacing up and down the class while he was teaching. Heaven knew that man had enough keys.

They'd have to run out the direct exit though, considering they were on the second floor. Going to the back stairs and down the first flight, the second flight, and then the door, directly making their way into the chill September air.

Lavi got on his cellphone again immediately, he and Kanda making their way to their designated place behind the dumpsters.

"Taylor? Yeah, we made it out. We're behind the dumpster now – etch, what the fuck did I get on me – no, we didn't run into anyone. It was smooth, man. What was our time?"

There was a warbled response.

"Five minutes?"

Kanda lent against the brick wall of the school and tired to ignore the foul stench that seemed to be surrounding him, a mixture of the odor coming from the box in his arms and the dumpster at such close proximity. Had he been a weaker person he probably would have gagged. Why the hell was Lavi able to talk him into doing stuff like this anyways?

The redhead bantered on his cell for a little longer and then hung up.

"If everything goes okay tomorrow morning, this'll be well worth the money it took to hire Wheels," he looked down in the box Kanda was currently carrying, "so... shall we move on with part two?"

"Might as well," the black haired teen grumbled, setting the box down on the paved ground. Lavi withdrew two pairs of latex gloves from his pockets – it'd been easy enough to buy a case from any local drugstore, handed a pair to Kanda, and then pulled them onto his own hands as he crouched down in front of the box and took out the Ziplock bag and its contents, flipping the cardboard cube over so they could use it as a surface of sorts.

Kanda pulled on his gloves idly, and then withdrew two slender scalpels from his hoodie's pocket; uncapping them to expose the thin blades. If anyone had noticed the Japanese teen carrying particularly pointy objects around today, they hadn't said anything. Maybe it was because students and teachers alike feared his wrath.

Lavi looked a little squeamish when Kanda handed him one of them, and the dark eyed boy proceeded to take the small corpse out of the Ziplock bag.

"So we need to get rid of the snout, right?"

"What about the tail?"

"Nah. After all, all humans have a tail at first, it's just absorbed by the body in the womb."

"Whatever," Kanda prodded the fetus' snout with his scalpel idly.

"... God, this is why I didn't take Biology," the redhead shuddered.

"And this," Kanda stated with what Lavi thought was a slightly cynical look in his eye as he drew his hand back, the scalpel (which, Lavi thought to himself, was maybe a bit _too_ sharp) gripped in it tightly, posed to stab at any given moment, "is _exactly_ why I took Biology."

_tbc... ._

A/N -:

Once again, sorry for the uber late update.

(... -dodges tomatoes- )

I know this chapter wasn't all that great; not so action-packed either, just banter and planning for the most part. But I PROMISE that the next chapter (which will definitely be up a lot quicker than this one, for sure!) will be far more interesting, and maybe even contain some... ( -gasp- ) KandaLavi?

This is a word of warning for chapter four:

Lavi and Kanda's prank is totally and completely in very, very, _very_ bad taste. But it _inspired _me, and I figured it'd be something creative enough for them to pull off as their debut stunt. Some of you may find it incredibly offensive. As such, I'm putting a warning in this chapter and the next – considering I'd really like to not have people get pissed with me when I've given fair warning.

The good news is my block is gone; for the next chapter anyways. All thanks to my awesome friend Miranda; if it weren't for her I wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

And thanks to the incredible people that have reviewed, yet again. I hope you find it in you to click the little blue "Go" button once more.

* * *

:: EDIT ::

Thank you, **ritachi** for the wonderful review and info; this chapter has been altered from its original version.


	4. Faux Fetus

I have no excuse as to why I'm so late, really. I just didn't have ideas. No, this chapter didn't go up as fast as the last one did. I started grade 12 (senior year) about four days ago. I don't know when I'll next update what with this being my last year. Funnily enough, I write more when I shouldn't be writing at all.

As promised, this is longer than the other chapters (twice as long, if not longer - still short, but I'm getting there). Thanks goes out to Miranda, without whom this chapter never would have happened, **ritachi** for her awesome crit, and **Novelist Pup **for continuing to be amazing. _three AM _is still in your profile? _Seriously?_ You rock so fucking hard.

Not to forget all of the other amazing reviewers! Three (incredibly short) chapters, _sixty five_ reviews? You guys are _ridiculous_ and I completely and utterly _love_ you.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own D. Gray, and if I did, I wouldn't be writing **fan**fiction. Nor do I own Wendy McNeill's lyrics. And... **:: WARNING WARNING WARNING :: **A prank in very horrible taste coming up in this chapter. _Bad_. Not to mention, Kanda has no tact whatsoever.

Oh. And. Uh. _Gay_.

* * *

_Faux Fetus_

_

* * *

_  
"I'm not wearing it."

"Yuu," Lavi was quickly losing his patience, "we've been through this. You're the one with long hair, so you're wearing it."

"Fuck you. If you try to get that thing on me I swear to God I'll _kill_ you."

"I thought you were an atheist? Besides, you have a black one just like it at home! I don't see what the big deal is."

"It's _pink_."

"Real men wear pink?"

"It has a cat that looks like it's on _crack_ on the front."

"It's fucking _Hello Kitty!_" Lavi's arms flailed dramatically for emphasis, "there's nothing wrong with it!"

"You wear it then."

"Yuu, there's no way I can pass off looking like a girl. Not to mention, if my eyepatch got caught on camera it'd be like holding up a sign saying _hi, I'm Lavi, and I'm going into the girls bathroom!_"

"Get someone else to do it."

"We need to make sure that as few people as possible know about what we're doing, we can't afford to have another conspirator. Hell, I actually had to _pay_ Wheels to keep quiet after he heard everything went okay," Lavi was biting down on his lower lip, brow furrowed, "the little bastard..."

Kanda almost (emphasis almost) had an incredibly childish "I told you so," moment, but he decided against it last minute.

"No. And that's final."

"_Yuu._"

"Fuck it, Lavi. Where the hell did you get that... that _thing_ anyways?"

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," the redhead managed a meek grin. Kanda suddenly found himself wishing he hadn't asked, there were too many possible scenarios going through his brain at that comment.

"You really are a flaming fag, aren't you?"

"Only for you, babe_._"

Kanda wondered if Lavi's brains would make a lovely splatter pattern on the floor if he decked him hard enough.

* * *

Lavi amused himself with standing by the vending machine a little ways away from where the door to the girls bathroom was situated, making it appear as if he were texting someone on his cellphone (he was texting one hell of a message at the rate he was going) and made sure he kept his blind eye to the camera so nobody would be able to tell the other one was scoping the area carefully. Kanda had gone in a while ago, and the redhead had simply made it appear as if he'd casually come to the hall to get a candy bar and a soda (a rather unhealthy habit of many of the students in the school, actually) and had stopped to lean against the wall and dabble with his phone.

He had been making a show of being here for the past week regularly, and would meet with casual acquaintances, friends, people from other classes and the like. Nobody would suspect him all that much, really, if he put on that kind of act. Hopefully.

He didn't make anything obvious when he heard the door open again and someone walk out, pretended not to notice, and it wasn't until Kanda began exiting to his left that he allowed himself to peek out of the corner of his eye.

Perfect.

Hood up, shoulders rendered slightly bent, making his frame seem smaller. Some strands of black hair inconspicuously peeking out, his head lowered, a scarf under his hoodie hiding his mouth.

If Lavi hadn't known any better he seriously would have mistaken Kanda for a girl. A tall girl, but a girl nonetheless.

He left, Lavi continued texting. He erased the message he'd been working on and started on a new, shorter one asking about his English homework to a classmate of his (he'd already finished it, but whatever), and this was around the time other students started milling in. He grinned, easy as anything, when a white haired sophomore approached him.

"Mornin' Lavi."

"Hey Al," he managed to get the wrapper off of his candy bar, offering it to the British teen, "want a half?"

"Mm, I'm not partial to chocolate."

"Oh right, I'd forgotten," no he hadn't - Lavi never forgot about anything. Regardless, the lie slid from his lips easily, he was only making conversation for the sake of conversation. Kanda was definitely way out of reach by now, most likely changing out of the damnable hoodie and cleansing himself of the overall _pinkness_. The green eyed boy was going to have to pay an arm and a leg for this in the future and he knew it, but it was just so _worth_ it.

Girls were starting to mill into the bathroom in their morning ritual of checking their appearances, and after the first few went in he heard nothing. That was okay, he expected that much. They weren't supposed to find the stall at least until--

Oh. Spoke too soon.

The screech that met his ears was almost _painful_, and the series of ones that followed almost made him want to burst out laughing. But he couldn't, shouldn't, that would completely blow his cover. So with the will power of a seasoned prankster and a confused act any entertainer would kill to be able to achieve he blinked blankly, turning to look at Allen.

"What the _hell?_"

"I... I'm not quite sure - why the _screaming?_"

A rather hysterical girl, looking slightly _gleeful_ if anything at being the bearer of bad news (Lavi would never really understand people) cried excitedly, possibly as loud as she could, "_there's a BABY in there!_"

This, of course, confused a great deal of those standing outside the bathroom, and a bit of a crowd was beginning to grow due to the noise. Whatever girls were present head in to the bathroom as well, while seemingly traumatized-looking others emerged to give their take on the juicy details. In about five minutes anyone within the general area had heard that a dead baby had been located in a toilet in one of the bathroom stalls, blood splattered just about everywhere. Even a few daring boys tried to get in to see, but were halted by members of the female populace.

"A _baby?_" Allen seemed thunderstruck, "as in, a _dead--?_"

"Dude, don't go there," Lavi covered his mouth and made a mock-gagging motion, "_please_. Let's just get out of here."

That was about when teachers started milling in, and it wasn't long until the principal himself, Komui Lee, made himself present. His hair was haphazard under his usual beret, as if he'd been napping before hastily jamming it on to his head, and his glasses were slightly lopsided.

He looked quite harassed.

"Alright, enough! Keep moving, please leave this area immediately_--_" he seemed to be having a hard time, "or it'll be after school detentions for a week for _all _of you!"

At that his young charges immediately began to disperse, and one very confused custodian followed out of the bathroom, accompanied by the Vice Principal Bridget Fay.

"We've verified it's not a human fetus," her voice was calculating as ever as she tossed her head back slightly, heavy brows furrowed disapprovingly, "but we did find _this_ taped to the inside of the stall.

Her slender, manicured fingers extended a card to Komui, who felt he'd finally seen just about everything in all his years of teaching, only to feel an uncontrollable twitch beginning to form in his brow. A small doodle of a bunny was apparent in the top right-hand corner of the piece of paper, and in a messy scrawl were written choice few words.

"What on Earth is a _Falcon Punch?_"

* * *

The entire school was abuzz with rumors by the end of the day, some people sternly believing that it had been a human fetus uncovered in the stall, others passing on more warbled versions of the story, and even listing off various girls that may have been "culprits."

Well, Lavi didn't quite care. The road to success was littered with sacrifice. C'est la vie. And from what he'd been able to overhear...

"And there was like blood, like everywhere!"

"No fucking way, seriously? Omigod, gross."

"I know right? Barf me out, _eugh._ I bet you it was that skank--"

He didn't wait around to hear the rest of it. The redhead simply tried to keep the spring out of his step on his way to French class.

* * *

Thanks to Lavi, Kanda knew he would have an intense dislike for anyone sporting red hair for the rest of his life. Then again, Kanda harbored an intense dislike for most people, so that didn't really change much of anything. Perhaps just a tad.

He looked down at the offending pink Hello Kitty sweater he'd just removed from his body, its soulless eyes looking back up at him. _Violating_ him.

Make that four tads and fifteen smidgens.

He balled it up, stuffed it in the plastic bag he'd had in its pocket and then proceeded to throw it into the clothing donation box behind the **Mac's**, nobody would suspect the same sweater the supposed girl who'd been caught on the security camera would end up here, and now it was some other unlucky sap's problem.

Some _poor_ unlucky sap's problem.

Kanda didn't give a damn. Sacrifices were to be made (and had he known this made him far more similar to Lavi than he'd ever be forced to believe, he would have immediately gouged his eyes out and promptly died).

So he straightened out his black shirt, tied his hair back low, and tried not to shudder at the strange feeling that had been left on his bare forearms and elbows from that accursed sweater. He should have worn long sleeves, now he was just going to need to take a long shower after all this.

Funny, how filthy most of Lavi's plans left him feeling. Still, decimating the pig fetus was _nothing_ compared to this (in his eyes, anyways). This hadn't been a blow to his senses, nor his physicality, no this had been the worst blow of all - one to his pride. And the fact of the matter was, Lavi was going to use this as blackmail and there would be absolutely no getting around it unless Kanda planned on lopping his head off before he could.

But lawsuits and going to police stations and all that, such a chore. He could really do without it. That was usually why he refrained from killing the pirate-wannabe, at least that was what he told himself.

He rubbed one of his forearms slightly, trying to get the awful feeling of that too fluffy pink sweater off of his skin to no avail before picking up his backpack from where it sat on the pavement, pulling it over one shoulder and walking back to school.

* * *

If anything counted as the cherry atop of the proverbial ice cream sundae, this was it.

When the PA system had sounded with an ominous _beep_ fifteen minutes before the end of the school day, Lavi couldn't have been more relieved. He'd thought for a moment that administration wouldn't address the students directly about what had happened earlier in the day, and he could now lay those worries to rest. Time to just kick back, relax, and enjoy the show.

_"Students. This is an important announcement; please deviate your attention from your respective tasks for a few moments."_

He cast Kanda a sideways glance across the Chemistry classroom, and the Japanese teen looked as nonchalant as ever, arms crossed. Perfect. Mister Wenham attempted to get their classmates to settle down, and all was silent for a few seconds before the principal's voice sounded over the moniters again.

_"Thank you. As most of you are probably aware, there was quite a commotion caused over a rather disturbing scene observed in the girl's restroom on the first floor this morning. I'm to inform you that in no way, shape or form was anyone harmed, and it was all simply a prank in incredibly bad taste. Linked to it, however, are far more serious charges concerning vandalism, trespassing and theft. We encourage students with information to come to the office so we can apprehend those who preformed this act, and if those responsible step forward themselves know that you will have a reduced punishment. That is all."_

Following the announcement was a buzz, a low hum of students talking to one another about what they had just heard, and the redhead was trying exceptionally hard not to cackle aloud. If admin could have done anything at all to show the student populace that they had no idea as to just who had done the deed, this was it. If similar pranks followed, everyone would know something was up.

Oh, this day was _fantastic_.

* * *

Lavi's idea of celebration involved a six pack of Molson beer, an extra large pizza, his laptop hooked up to some speakers with music blaring and the television set to a miscellaneous channel.

"Well, I'd say today went spectacularly, wouldn't you?"

"Just shut up and pass me a beer."

"Tes-_ty_," for once he did as he was told and got out the bottle opener, a faint hiss issuing from under the cap as it was pried off before he handed it over to his alleged best friend. Kanda took it without hesitation, and after bringing it to his lips and downing a gulp he grimaced.

"It's warm."

"That's what happens when it's allowed to veg in the trunk for a few hours," Lavi had uncapped his own bottle and was drinking it down without complaint from his spot on the floor in front of the low coffee table. The teen sitting on the couch across from him, meanwhile, raised a brow.

"Aren't you a fucking lightweight?"

"I can totally handle my liquor!"

"This," Kanda shook his bottle slightly, "hardly counts as liquor."

"... Dude," Lavi looked offended, "that was possibly the most un-Canadian remark you've ever made."

"I'm Japanese."

"... See, people like you are the reason we're having an identity crisis!" Lavi had puffed himself up in a self-important way. Kanda wondered if the beer was getting to him already, "I'm Italian, I'm Polish, I'm French, I'm Indian, I'm Ukrainian, I'm Pakistani - there's way too many people that identify either with their original country of birth, their _parents_ country of birth, or their great-great-whateverthefuck-grandparents place of birth. Why can't everyone with a citizenship just go for the good old maple leaf?"

"Because it's Canada, dumbass, what d'you figure we're known for? Beer, marijuana, hippies, peace keeping, multiculturalism, gay people, monopoly money, maple syrup, excessive niceness and a shitty military. Not in that particular order. We have a beaver on the nickle, a fucking _beaver._ How threatening do you think that is?"

"So we're a good mix of most things you hate."

"Basically."

"God, I love this country," Lavi grinned from ear to ear.

"Well you're a little _too_ Canadian."

"What?" he seemed genuinely confused for a moment.

"Red hair. Excessively nice. You play _and_ watch hockey, and you've even driven a fucking zamboni. Eyepatch aside, we might as well stick you in a jersey and a toque and jam a hockey stick and a Molson in your hands while you stand next to a fucking igloo. With a beaver on a leash. You could be the poster child for this great nation, how about that?"

"The zamboni was for a part time job and you know it."

"Alright, who are you listening to on iTunes right now?"

"Wendy McNeill. Why?"

"Where's she from?"

"... Edmonton."

"I rest my case."

The redhead looked positively indigent and was rendered speechless for a few moments. Kanda took this opportunity to take a drink of lukewarm beer, music warbling from the speakers.

_Nothing like a belly full of stitches to let you know you're alive / Nothing like the leash of limitation to make you want to try / Nothing like a dodgy fortune teller to rush the next good bye / Nothing like a naive girl whose wide sad eyes say "why?" / "Why, why, why?"_ /

"Yeah, well Wendy makes the accordion sexy," Lavi was practically pouting, "so _fuck you_."

* * *

Kanda had been right when he'd accused Lavi of being a lightweight, and although the younger had absolutely no sense of personal space when he was sober, it only got worse when he was tipsy. So the onyx-eyed boy was currently attempting to push him off of his shoulder, and failing miserably.

"Lavi - fuck - get off-"

"Mmm, get off where now?"

"... You're _sick_."

"Not my fault you have a pretty face," his green eye was half-hooded, and he was grinning up teasingly. There was definitely still a hint of sobriety there, Kanda knew he was just trying to fuck with his head.

"I'll cut your tongue out, I swear to God."

"But you don't believe," Lavi drawled, and his grip was surprisingly strong. He was going to throttle Kanda at this rate, what with how tightly one of his arms was slung around his neck, and in a mocking voice he continued, "don't be scared, _Yuubear_, I promise to be gentle."

It was the hand that was now on his knee and steadily making its way up his thigh that shot down any self restraint Kanda may have had in the light of the fact that the redhead was half-drunk. He simply grabbed a slice of pizza and pushed it right into his face, causing Lavi to loosen his grip out of shock and then sending him straight to the floor.

The _thump _and yell that followed sounded painful. Kanda was not satisfied in the least.

"Fucking disgusting."

"I think I got mushroom in my good eye-" Lavi had pulled the slice off his face and was attempting to rub sauce and toppings off of his face, his eye patch had gotten a liberal amount of tomato-y goodness on it, "jeez, Yuu, if I'd known you liked it rough I would've just pinned you."

Kanda stomped his heel on the other's outstretched leg, and the unfortunate teen practically howled.

"_Excuse me?_"

"Alright, alright, I get it! Sado-masochistic relationships are the thing for you!" he was rubbing his shin gingerly, rocking back and forth slightly, "so does that mean you want me in leather? Tied to a bedpost? Or d'you just wanna spank me?"

"Keep talking and I'll destroy you. I'm serious. Nobody will ever find your body."

"Pssh, you're the first person they'd suspect," he paused a moment, lifting up his pant leg to inspect his shin, and sure enough it was quite red, "I think... I think the shock to my brain from all this abuse has rendered the alcohol useless. Wasn't that in that one episode of _Mythbusters_? When Adam actually sobered up some when Jamie slapped him?"

"If you have to open your mouth, can you at least say something useful?"

"Sure, fine, whatever."

Lavi reached for the tissue box atop of the coffee table, attempting to wipe off any sauce on his face before it caked on too badly. It was probably in his hair too - gross.

"Nobody saw you getting rid of the sweater, right?"

"I doubt it."

"So then we should be good. So far, we're about as suspect as anyone else in the school, and we've got roughly two thousand students attending, so we should be alright for a little while."

"Here's a question Einstein," Kanda's brow was furrowed, "if you want to become the stuff of legend, how are you gonna manage if nobody's aware of your identity? If you come out to students they'll either call you a liar, or it'll spread so far that admin calls you out anyways and you're screwed."

"Ah, so you noticed. Well, Yuu..."

Lavi's green eye had never looked so sharp, and despite the sauce caking his bangs together, or the slight haziness in his gaze from the alcohol, Kanda didn't find himself thinking about his utterly unreliable appearance.

"You'll just have to wait and see. Until then, let's move on to phase two, shall we?"

_tbc... ._

* * *

**A/N-:**

Not as much man-action as promised, and I'm sorry - I couldn't bring myself to do more without making it horribly, horribly OC (more so than it already is, anyways).

For the record: I have nothing against our military or anything else affiliated with Canada, Kanda's just a dick and listing off stereotypes.

As for why Lavi listens to Wendy McNeill? If you take a listen to any of her songs, preferably "Restless" (which is the one with the lyrics above), "Ask me No Questions" or "Such a Common Bird" (youtube them!) you'll notice a common motif. Her music reminds many of the nostalgia associated with pirate journeys and fables, carnivals and antique music boxes. I found she would suit Lavi's tastes adequately.

Why am I bothering you with all this? Because I'd like to have you lovely readers participate a bit, if you're interested c: What kind of music would Kanda listen to? It'd be great if you could give reasons why as well. I've got a few general ideas in my brain, but this story honest and truly does belong to _you guys_, because without you this chapter never would have been completed.

Thank you kindly, and I hope to see you soon. I'll try my best to reply to every review.


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